How correctly directing Meanness can Actually be the nicest thing to do
A yearly ritual takes place outside of Shanghai, where fishermen put hooks in their skin as a sacrifice for good fishing.
With the word “mean,” people might think of unnecessarily hurtful or aggressive behavior, but meanness is also often associated with a type of behavior that is actually good for people. That which makes us feel mean, like performing an uncomfortable action directed at another person, is sometimes described as mean to justify inaction. Maybe that action is leaving people incapable of being the support you need but whom you care about, saying something which is honest but upsetting, or disliking another person even though others receive them well.
In reality, the right decision is never mean—even if it feels mean. Meanness, in its truest form, is blindness frequently manifesting in less-than-genuine treatment of others motivated by the idea of “sparing the feelings” of the other, or of avoiding a “future” sense of guilt. Confucius knew how dangerous avoiding negativity and negatively received actions is, and he emphasizes how virtue is not mutually exclusive from what might be one of the “meanest” of feelings, hate:
The Master said, "It is only the (truly) virtuous man, who can love, or who can hate, others." – Confucius 3.3
The idea that a good, virtuous person will never hate or feel negativity and if they do, the feelings must be repressed, is not good or healthy. Our negative feelings are a guide, just like our positive feelings. The chills down a person’s spine, just like the joy in a person’s heart, help define our relationships with the outside world. Confucius knew that to achieve benevolence and harmony in both the inside and outside worlds, embracing the negative side of yourself was necessary to drive away that which harms or diminishes the goodness in life.
Embracing negativity seems initially counterintuitive because embracing negativity seems to bring yet more negativity. But to the virtuous person, the key to embracing negativity lies in embracing the negativity in one’s self, not in the outside world. Understanding and using the negativity within yourself repels outside negativity, like how two magnets repel each other when the same poles are pointed at one another (more on how virtuous love can act as a magnet too, in a coming post!).
The Stoics also spoke immensely about the importance of understanding personal aversions as a compass for life, all while also differentiating impulsive, shallow imitations of aversion. To them, the highest function of a person lies in differentiating impulse from rational thought. Without a rational differentiation of impulse and genuine feeling, people are destined for confusion and to function like frightened animals:
“We are then in the condition of deer; when they flee from the huntsmen’s feathers in fright… in what do they seek refuge as safe? They turn to the nets, and thus they perish by confounding things which are objects of fear with things that they ought not to fear.” –Epictetus 2.1
The ancient Greeks hunted deer by hanging feathers in the trees and shaking them, provoking deer into running a certain direction—into their nets. Allowing the feathers of impulse to scare you away from a decision because it seems mean is to run into the trap of actual meanness by neglecting a duty to differentiate between objects worthy of aversion.
Being unnecessarily mean is worthy of aversion, but being "mean" for a purpose is not worthy of aversion. Purposeful, virtuous meanness is a protective trait, and even the most characteristically open people must have protections, or suffer hurt immensely. Being purposefully mean is not flinging insults, only keeping away from you that which diminishes your life and your vitality, and often the decision to be mean is most difficult when other people are involved.
One of my role models, my grandpa, taught me the importance of being mean through stories from his past. My favorite story was when he repeatedly warned a man to stop speeding his motorcycle through the neighborhood; he was concerned about his children. After months of disregard, grandpa gave a final (ignored) warning to the man and then took control of the situation by hitting the man off his bike with a 2x4 plank.
While violence is not always the answer, I always admired the daring nature of grandpa and how he was willing to use meanness to ensure the safety of what he cared about more than anything else in the world, his family.
As part of the Mahayana Buddhism tradition, aka “the Greater vehicle” tradition, no single part of a human may be excised, cut off or destroyed in the name of enlightenment. Enlightenment lies in incorporating and then accepting each and every part of who you are into a greater vehicle. Meanness is part of the vehicle, part of the human condition, and deserves our attention.
Happiness and health, and never stop breaking a Mental Sweat.
-Justin Markowitz
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